vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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