Kiss
Puke
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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