yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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