I will die if light touches me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He kissed a someone with a penis
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
