it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
