First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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