Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
