rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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