I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I want to be your penis for a week.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
