I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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