I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
