Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
