i just made my gag reflex go away.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
