a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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