do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
