the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Alive.
So much puke
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
