Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
