i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Found your dick twin last night
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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