I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
