I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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