im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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