nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
