I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
