That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My vagina just recognized that song.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
