So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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