It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
