STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
