i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
