God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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