sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
