They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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