I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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