I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
