I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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