I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
