Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
