He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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