Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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