I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
