If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
