Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
