will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
