I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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