Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
