is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
