WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
