just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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