Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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