I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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