I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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