how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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