New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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