Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
