dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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