I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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